Confessions of a Happily Married Woman

This post is not to “toot my own horn” or try and convince you that I’m so darn attractive I have to deal with this everyday. This list has been a steady accumulation over the years and will most likely continue to grow.

It’s time for me to ‘fess up.

Below you will find a variety of tactics I have used (and continue to use) to deter, desist, and maybe even disgust any unwanted leers or comments from random guys I’ve encountered.

These are all by-products of my ever-present passive aggressiveness. I wish I could be the kind of woman who could look a creepo in the eye and say, “GO AWAY.” Or, more accurately: “You’ve obvioulsy never been shown what it looks like to be a man. My husband is an excellent man, want HIS number?” But alas, those remarks remain seething in my mind.

And, let’s be honest, I may have employed some of these while still single.

# 1- Pulled out my Bible and placed it strategically in view of any and all passerbys during my lunch break 🙂 Nothing like catching some quality time with Jesus while simultaneously dissuading all the booty sharks prowling the break room or nearby Starbucks.

#2 – Openly picked at my face, ears, nose etc at a stoplight while sensing some unwanted jeers from the adjacent vehicle. Stops ’em in their tracks ladies! (also, it’s key that you take the time to examine whatever you just picked at… that tends to confirm that what they think they just saw… was accurate)

#3 – Talk loudly about how much I LOVE MY HUSBAND! HE’S THE GREATEST! I’M SO HAPPY I MARRIED HIM AND DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN PURSUING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANYONE ELSE! I mean… you don’t have to actually yell.. but it might help

#4 – Flagrantly fiddled with my wedding ring, which is particularly effective if you can get the diamond to catch the sunlight and send a ray of “BACK OFF” into their line of sight

#5 – Pretend to be sick. Yep. If I sense some guy wants to invade my personal bubble, I find myself, out of nowhere, hacking and barking like I have the bubonic plague. “Oh what’s that? Never mind about getting my number? Blech hack blurfgh flub … fine by me!”

#6 – Another traffic tactic: Belting any and all Disney movie song lyrics/ Broadway soundtracks as loud as I can… Include choreography if possible.*

So, short of stuffing pillows up my shirt to feign pregnancy or neglecting to shower, I’m doing what I can to let all creepos out their know: I’m a happily married woman. With the bubonic plague.

Any other interesting tactics or suggestions for pest repellant? I’d love to hear them!

*Confession: OK so really I do this one almost every day regardless of who is around but, it can also be an effective deterrent!


10 thoughts on “Confessions of a Happily Married Woman

  1. Once while at Lynchburg these two creeps pulled up in the car next to me while I was waiting at a stoplight. They were giving me the “sup” head nod and oogeling my goodies (at least the goodies they could see through the car window). SO… in an attempt to disuade them I reached into the bag of McD’s I have just acquired, calmly unwrapped my McDouble and shoved the thing almost entirely in my mouth. Then I proceeded to chew with my mouth open and wipe my face with my arm.

  2. This is hysterical! Love this post! When I was in Paris and unhappily pursued I just walked into traffic. I wouldn’t recommend it as a tactic, but it worked. My other Paris story is of walking away from a guy trying to get a date even through he was throwing out such melt-my-heart promises of “I’ll shave my beard!” Keep it classy Paris.

    • Walked into traffic, eh? I seriously can’t stop laughing. This is why you have always been my role model! Always challenging me to the next level! 😀

  3. Hahaha wow! I definitely feel like I’m missing out on some creative tactics! I’ve done the ring fiddling and the talking about how wonderful my husband is non stop (I figure that one is aggressive passive aggressiveness, because I usually start rambling abour Brian WAY before they’ve made any suggestive comments, just in case…) but mostly I just start talking about something entirely random if I guy is trying to flirt with me, it confuses them, weirds them out, and completely throws off any future “lines” “Hey baby, you’re looking fine.” “You know whats really fine? Avocados. Something about that green boogery blandness that just hits home you know? And I really don’t understand all this hype about panda bears…” The would be creepies tend to back away looking confused and I make good my escape. I have got to try the McDouble tactic, though I’d probably laugh so hard I’d choke.

    • haha! Gotta love the pre-emptive “husband drop” when talking with any guy you don’t know.. “Yeah MY HUSBAND and I really like to go running. MY HUSBAND and I are from VA. Me and MY HUSBAND have fun together.”

      Random conversation topics are an excellent choice when the pests pop out of nowhere! And, really, who wants to (or KNOWS how to) talk about avocados and panda bears in the same breath?! I think you’re on to something! 🙂

  4. Bahahahaha! This is AWESOME! I love your dedication to a great marriage. I’ve also started asking the guy about his girl and say things like, “you two are great together!”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s