This post is not to “toot my own horn” or try and convince you that I’m so darn attractive I have to deal with this everyday. This list has been a steady accumulation over the years and will most likely continue to grow.
It’s time for me to ‘fess up.
Below you will find a variety of tactics I have used (and continue to use) to deter, desist, and maybe even disgust any unwanted leers or comments from random guys I’ve encountered.
These are all by-products of my ever-present passive aggressiveness. I wish I could be the kind of woman who could look a creepo in the eye and say, “GO AWAY.” Or, more accurately: “You’ve obvioulsy never been shown what it looks like to be a man. My husband is an excellent man, want HIS number?” But alas, those remarks remain seething in my mind.
And, let’s be honest, I may have employed some of these while still single.
# 1- Pulled out my Bible and placed it strategically in view of any and all passerbys during my lunch break 🙂 Nothing like catching some quality time with Jesus while simultaneously dissuading all the booty sharks prowling the break room or nearby Starbucks.
#2 – Openly picked at my face, ears, nose etc at a stoplight while sensing some unwanted jeers from the adjacent vehicle. Stops ’em in their tracks ladies! (also, it’s key that you take the time to examine whatever you just picked at… that tends to confirm that what they think they just saw… was accurate)
#3 – Talk loudly about how much I LOVE MY HUSBAND! HE’S THE GREATEST! I’M SO HAPPY I MARRIED HIM AND DO NOT HAVE ANY INTEREST IN PURSUING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH ANYONE ELSE! I mean… you don’t have to actually yell.. but it might help
#4 – Flagrantly fiddled with my wedding ring, which is particularly effective if you can get the diamond to catch the sunlight and send a ray of “BACK OFF” into their line of sight
#5 – Pretend to be sick. Yep. If I sense some guy wants to invade my personal bubble, I find myself, out of nowhere, hacking and barking like I have the bubonic plague. “Oh what’s that? Never mind about getting my number? Blech hack blurfgh flub … fine by me!”
#6 – Another traffic tactic: Belting any and all Disney movie song lyrics/ Broadway soundtracks as loud as I can… Include choreography if possible.*
So, short of stuffing pillows up my shirt to feign pregnancy or neglecting to shower, I’m doing what I can to let all creepos out their know: I’m a happily married woman. With the bubonic plague.
Any other interesting tactics or suggestions for pest repellant? I’d love to hear them!
*Confession: OK so really I do this one almost every day regardless of who is around but, it can also be an effective deterrent!